The process of owning who I am
I recently took the Enneagram test and shortly afterward found myself down the rabbit hole of the 16 Personalities and the Myers-Briggs. The Enneagram is an identifying system that helps participants better understand their innate motivations and tendencies. After taking the test, I couldn't get the information out of my head. I was and still am so, so thirsty to understand myself.
I read a book by Ian Cron titled The Road Back to You and when I journal in the mornings, it’s all about wrestling with my identity. If there’s anything I’ve learned since having kids, it’s that I’m pretty much totally confused about who I am.
Motherhood has fundamentally led me to question my identity more than any other single thing in my life.
Before Nick and I got married, we had the conversation about our desire to have children. We discussed biologically having children, fostering children, and adopting children. When we were around our cousins’ kids, we played with them. We volunteered in children’s ministry at church. Kids were in our hearts as we looked ahead at our future.
But being a mom? Forget it. I thought about the children, the people they would become, and how our family would need more than two seats at a table if we went out to eat. I did not, in any way, consider the ‘Mom’ part of the gig.
Motherhood has just plain thrown me as an individual.
I’m currently posted up at a coffee shop in sweats, nursing a black, blonde roast coffee. The coffee is still hot, which would literally never happen if I were at home.
Nearly every Saturday, Nick watches the boys and I escape to civilization to write until late morning. It’s become a sweet, cherished time for me each week and today is no exception.
These pockets of time of writing and working have, in many ways, become a mind-bending game of Who am I? Becoming a mother two years ago rocked my world, plain and simple. The sweeping changes from a life of autonomy to one of ever-present need from a small human will do that to you.
In my case, I think I’ve taken a winding road of indecisiveness. I’ve found myself wandering back and forth between the starting lines of “I can do this!” and “I choose this.” I flow between this almost feministic, cultural war cry in my heart of what I’m capable of and what I’m passionate about, and then back again toward the ever present calling of a simpler, less frenzied life that says, “I choose this time. I choose this season of self-sacrifice and total focus on my children.”
Today I’m focused on this struggle that I’ve been wading through because I’m tired of struggling. I’m over it. I’m over not knowing what I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to feel. I’m over needing to have a clear direct path. I’m tired of finding a way to fit into a neat box and then having to commit to that.
I know we're all just figuring this all out as we go. I guess, I’m just ready to own that.
I’m ready to walk firmly in the confidence of who I am as a woman with all sorts of desires, all sorts of goals, and all sorts of abilities. I want to be all the things at the same time, with many different angles and viewpoints, and be great at them all.
What has this looked like for you?